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andnowthisisme

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July 28th, 2012

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Emotions fucking suck. I am soba ice of feeling overwhelmed and insecure. I put on a front that shows That everything is good when I'm a mess. I'm always a mess. Right now I'm bursting with tears but I'm quiet bc Tim is laying right next to me. I think he's asleep. This past day I've had mike on my mind- I had on my mind ; how he died n how he looked at the funeral. For so long I would have flashbacks of that day/night when he was killed. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Lately I've been having nightmares that I was in the house when the break in happened and that I was being shot at too and and I saw him die. One vivid part was me slipping on his blood. I don't know what that means. My heads pounding. This may be why I need to come to peace and closure soon. Maybe church in the am I don't know. Something needs to happen.

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April 17th, 2012

Feb 21

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Im feeling really home sick and detached. I've been spending most of the time by myself which i really enjoy but when I start thinking about Gino, my man, Mary n nat , and work I get sad .....Pitbull saddddd ;) just bc I miss them.
Aunt deb and uncle mike got into a huge fight last night , she winded up throwing Ryan's Lego helicopter he made for his birthday at uncle miles head. Yeah she was drunk but it was out of hand and rediculous. After taking Ryan into my room for the nigt I winded up talking to my uncle about it later on that night. Shes always taking these diet pills and then the other day when I went in her makeup bag for a nail filer I found a bottle of adderall with the name peeled of from the label. She recently took Ryan to get diagnosed for ADD. But has said to me before that shed never put him on meds and my uncle was fully against that as well. So obviously I'd think she was taking them. I haven't said anything about that till last night to my uncle bc she does have a problem drinking and I only said it to him for her overall benefit. To make sure she's not mixing the pills and booze. I guess word spread quick after last night: nanny came in my room this morning and told me she doesn't take the aderal Ryan has been taking them and the name is ripped off the label bc she doesn't want my uncle to know about it. Whatever I'm over all this family drama and it's only been the second day. Clearly it's their own issue and next time i open my mouth by just trying to help ill think twice bc in the end the fingers are pointed at me and I look like the bad person. 6 more days and I'm home !!!

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I never write in here consistently. I wish I could just commit to it. I'll try ! Since January things have been looking up. I actually have a few entries that I need to post to here .... 2/20/12
Monday night
Im always meaning to write and I always become sidetracked.since I last wrote everything has been great but there are still those little bumps in the road that are a pain in the ass but shortly after they're no big deal and i can continue on smoothly again. I'm feeling much much better ( health wise ) and pretty clear mentally. I had two bad break downs where I just wanted to go faraway. It was weird an uncontrollable , to the point I questioned my own life. I don't know why I lived with being so close to dying but all I can do is be thankful. I went back to work with a lighter schedule , I absolutely love it , that's where I belong. And I feel like myself again , I just need to learn to take it easy. I've also started dating Tim , hes awesome and we Have great communication. We hung out a few times years ago but then he went to college and we lost touch. We began keeping contact again when we bumped into each other at Angie's. He talked to me through out the majority time of me being sick which helped alot bc I was able to vent to an unbias person. When I flew home to fl we hung out almost everyday. I became attracted to him , he's hot he's smart he's funny he has a heart and he's real. He's a great guy .... I was with him when I adopted my Pitbull Gino and now he has a little Pitbull puppy named boots. They're the shit. I'm on a cruise right now w my family and my aunt n uncle just got in a huge fight (nothing new w this nutcase bunch) so I went to there room and brought my godson Ryan in here with me. We're laying in bed right now watching family guy together. This kid is my whole heart . So since im roaming im DONE

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January 5th, 2012

beat it.

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what would you do if you were givin a second chance at life? would you do all the things you thought you were already doing? or would you totally flip around your daily rituals? Try new things , possibly to the extreme , or become some cautious that you may live more reserved?

who knows you can do all of those above , just on different days, maybe you would just change your mind as our mood would change. I had a 90% chance of dying with this cancer, and even the surgery was risky. A lot of people dont know how bad it is untill you look back , i didnt. its still hard for me to fathom. i cant thank god and my family enough. i learned alot through this experience and i look at situations , any situation, in a different way. i thought i was going to die. at first i was scared. really scared. i didnt know what to do , but then i was okay with it. i knew id be with Mike, and hed look after me like he used to when he was here, and like he still does now. 

i gained some new friendships during this and cut some off.rebuilding old relationships/friendships. and im completly content with that. for once i feel like im going n the direction i need to be in. im happy where my life is heading. i feel much better. i feel like i can love again- other people and myself. maybe you do have to go through hell and back to feel alive again. 

i love u mike. i miss you everyday. but i know your not far away.

November 22nd, 2011

quick lil update

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quick up date:: in ny for a second opinion on my liver, and i met w dr. jarnigin at sloan kettering wich is the number 2 cancer center in the nation. the type of cancer i was diagnosed with is called fibrolamelullar cancer. only 1 in every 3,000 patients who have liver cancer have this type , its very rare. something i find very ironic is that i was diagnosed with this type on halloween , which is also mikes birthday. i knew he'd stay by myside through this, and he made sure of it.
               So i have been spending most of my time relaxing, i dont have my car here so im kind of limited, deanna and cristina came to visit me, then kristin came and stayed over, and the next night justin drove in and we went to dinner at 101. ive been succesfull at some shopping here in ny but i think its about time i give it a rest. i dont know if its just that time of year again or im just bored so i shop instead. as usual it is nice to see family that i havent seen in a while but i have to admit im getting anxious to get back to work again. and i do miss my lil clan in florida. lots of them are like my extended family.
                every one has been so supportive to me and i couldnt ask them for more. my family is doing a good job, steve and christy are great , my friends are always cheking up on me, and even my guests at the salon are sending there well wishes. i truely am blessed. some people however still remain to seem cold like always- but im not letting that bring me down.
                im heading out to jersey tomorrow to have thanksgiving at aunt sally and uncle tonys , my mom will be here thursday. as nuts as she is im excited to see her! 
                   MIKE i miss u everyday and i know you would be tearing up way too much food this week. as always im praying to you my angel <3

November 3rd, 2011

Bayport

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Its an emotional roller coaster but everything will be just fine. My surgeons at Moffit think a liver transplant will be best but that's the last thing I want to do got super stressed out and really broke down in the cAr earlier. Think this is all starting to hit me now. I'm sitting by the water now. It's beautiful. It's kinda nice to just sit here all Alone. It's so dark out but the light from the moon is reflecting the perfect amount off of the water. It's really calm just moving a little bit and really slow. I can still see an island out there and a shading of it's tall skinny palm trees. There's not too many stars out tonight just a few scattered ones. Kinda reminds me of the few people you have/had in your life that genuinely care for u. I'm looking at the gulf right now in a whole new perspective and I'll be poking at life like that to now. I definatly should of brought a blanket out here this concrete isn't the most comfortable yet sometimes as humans we must go through some in-comforting situations to enjoy the beauty everywhere else. Faith not feAr.

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October 19th, 2011

Cancer....really

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Last week we found out what's finally going on w my liver It may not be the best outcome but at least it was caught . We found some cancer. The tumor is pretty big 9 by 9 by 14 , I've been going to moffitt which I heard is great but haven't done any surgery yet . My biopsy is the 27th next week. And hopefully soon I can find out if I have to do chemotherapy and/or surgery/transplant. It still feels insane that I have cancer , so weird , but I always said I wish i was the one who had it instead of Dana ... Not after her ! But god doesn't give ya what u can't beat !

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September 27th, 2011

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so many nightmares lately and they feel so real , i miss my mike every day-more and more- but i stay busy and stay focus, atleast i try. i really want to get a tattoo SOON to represent his life and our friendship . im gonna come up with some ideas and save them on here the next few days so eventually i can collaborate them and come up with something great.
-all he wanted was to be loved
i got it! his birthday in roman numerals and infinity symbol to represent his birth and that his life is infinitive- it will go on forever

September 7th, 2011

go out to come home....

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mikey- i went out tonight and met up with some of the boys , bobby , g, b.v, cliff, just isnt the same with out you. bobby said something crazy. that you told him you said u were going to marrry me lol common mann you just know all i want in life is a long engagement -- too many divorces haha. your nuts and thats exactly why i love you so damn much. man im not ready to be out around every one yet i thought i was but i just find myself upset and wanting to go home n lay in bed and sleep. its physically exhausting. i mean you were always so hyper but this is badddd . i have so much anger inside of me and i try so hard to cover it up . i cant keeep alot of food down. plain stuff i can but everything else makes me sick to my stomach. im gonna do alot of things for you while ur away . im gonna be a better person and a better friend to our boys too. i fucking miss you so much i hate this. i love you mike. 

September 6th, 2011

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so i thought this would be over by now, but i think im just getting sicker-i can barely keep anything down. your on my mind 24/7 to the point it makes me sick, but its not ur fault, i thought i was stonger than this. but my emotions have always been known the get the best. i read more of your book the other night. im actually taking notes on it too. i was thinking about highlighting some parts in it , dnt worry man i wont go crazy with it!!! but everything in this book so far is soooo true! ancient aliens was on the history channel the other night too- i was watching it for a while but i get sooo damn confused! tings lately seem really scattered. i cant remember what day is what and theres a milllion thiings i need to and want to get done , i think ill just get some early sleep and dream of you , you crazy ass! damn mike i misss youuu. the thing that hurts the most is that so many things went unsaid , so many phone calls werent returned, so much time went by not being spent when we could, all because i always had that feeling that in back of my mind itd be a freaaaakin party and i most likely had work the next day ( lol) wont forget when tj and i hung out your house with u know who and i had to work like 4 hrs later----ughhhh ! i cannot wait to see you again. where will it be? will it be heavan or will it be here on earth? or maybe even another planet?
          Waken up from a dead of sleep reaching towards the end of my bed-Once I looked at the screen I wish I didn’t read what I read-It was a horrible message that some one took your life-A pain shot through my heart like it was struck through a knife-Flashbacks ran all across my brain of the days we have shared-If I could tell u one last thing its that I always cared-If I didn’t show it enough or didn’t show it too often -I want to stop know I never want to relive that day-Its raining here now is there something your trying to say?-Are you crying here with me? I want for you to be happy, those mother fuckers were all caught mike, I hope they get what they deserve. I don’t want evil to take over me but they need to burn in the fires of hell. All our friends and family feel like ur in a better place for sure, but its hell for some of us it really is. I don’t wanna be here sometimes. Sometimes I want to die. I just don’t know what there is to live for sometimes. Im not trying to seem crazy or nothing. But who am I living for? I couldn’t even tell u. Ill see you , I got that feeling real soon buddy xo

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